Isabella is that you? 2

2

The next couple of days Gretchen had tried coming over, and each time Isabella told her through her bedroom door that she didn’t want her there. The other girl had pleaded with Isabella, said it wasn’t that big of a deal. Even went as far as telling her that she, Gretchen, thought that Isabella had planned on going as well. That obviously wasn’t true, Isabella had made her view very clear where the other girls were concerned, and stopped even talking to Gretchen through the door. She really did want her friend back, but… she just couldn’t trust her any longer, and why should she?

Of course it didn’t stop Gretchen from texting and calling her, it started to bother her how often she had to decline a call, before she started getting texts. Her mother had agreed to let her do her schooling online so at least she didn’t have to ignore Gretchen at school. It had been a simple argument, with no friends at all, and without lunch, and other classes she could focus on more work. Her mother seemed to like the idea, her mother also knew that unlike most kids with that option, Isabella never skirted on her work. It was one of the only things she worked at, it kept her mind busy, and away from all the problems she faced.

In her alcove, wearing nothing but a t-shirt and her underwear she lay looking out her window, the heat still unbearable, sadly her room didn’t stay as cool as the rest of the house. She had been like this since she took a shower. It seemed much bigger when she was younger, and shorter but now she had to curl her knees up to lay in it. Her head propped up on a pillow she took from her bed. She watched children playing in their yards down below, not a care in the world… and yet so mellow.

She thought back to times when her and her friends, and Phineas and Ferb had done things together. Riding their bikes going here or there, it never really mattered, these were the less extreme times in their past. Days at the museum just looking around, the few random moments she was able to be alone with…

“Mija?” her mother called from her door, and she was snapped back into the present… she supposed there were worse places to come back to… to bad she couldn’t think of any.

“Ugh! Yeah Mom?” Isabella called back moving into a siting position she knew soon her mother would come through the door.

“Someone is here to see you,” Her mother said, someone is here to… geez couldn’t they give it a rest? Everyday she got phone calls and text messages… couldn’t she have one day to herself.

“Send them away…” Isabella laid back down looking out the window, her door opened she sighed. “Ugh Mom, I just don’t,” she turned over expecting to have to have this conversation with her mother again, for what seemed like the millionth time. But it wasn’t her mother, it was Phineas. He was staring at her, and for a moment she just stared back. “Can’t you just give up?” she hissed at Phineas, “Are you seriously such an idiot that you don’t know when to stop? I’m not some back yard invention that you can tinker with until I work again, I’m not broken damn it.” That wasn’t entirely true, she was broken inside… but she wasn’t going to admit that, not after saying that.

“Whoa, your mom said, you said to send me in…” Not send them in, send them away… doesn’t ANYONE listen anymore? Then just like with normal Phineas he changed topic just as quickly and as natural as people breathed, “You know you’re in your underwear right?”

She looked down realizing that where she was laying her t-shirt had ridden up. And a pillow hit Phineas in the face as she screamed for him to get out, lucky for Phineas, or unlucky for her the book she had hit the door where Phineas’ head would have been if it hadn’t closed so fast.

“When I say I don’t want anyone over, I don’t’ want anyone over,” she muttered to herself shoving one leg into a pair of jeans, that she didn’t WANT to wear because it was hot, pulling off the t-shirt and putting on one that fit better, that she didn’t want to wear because still it was hot. She looked in the mirror as she walked by her hair had frizzed slightly, luckily it no longer frizzed like it used to when she was younger… this wasn’t a social call, she didn’t have to look pretty to tell him to get out. Then she opened the door, he was still standing in the hallway.

“Now that I’m completely uncomfortable, what do you want?” Isabella snapped, and walked back into her room, she didn’t invite him in, but she didn’t want to have this conversation in the hall.

“I just wanted to come over to see how you were feeling and all, I hadn’t seen you in a while.” He said, then finally handed her the pillow that he had been hit with, she assumed he caught it before running for the door. “Nice throw by the way.”

She put a hand over her face and sighed as she sat in the chair in front of her computer, pure idiot. Okay lets try this another way. “Phineas look, I’m… feeling alright, but I don’t think you’ve understood me very well… hell maybe you’re like everyone else and only hear what you want… either way we need to talk, Alright?” She decided she wasn’t going to comment about the throwing remark.

“Alright,” he stood there waiting, great how was she supposed to start this. It dawned on her that he had never been in her room before, his gaze shifted from place to place as he waited, and she wondered what he was looking for, before she had a chance to explain anything to him, “Your room looks different than I imagined,” his eyes stopped at her again, “and your hair still gets frizzy.”

Does he have A.D.D. or something? “You know it’s kinda odd knowing someone has imagined your room… and of course my hair still frizzes up, genetically I’m the same, idiot.” Maybe he was one of the few people that bordered the edge of insanity, sadly she knew that it wasn’t true, thought it would explain a lot really.

“I didn’t mean that I imagined it… I just always assumed…” he started, his face turning red. Once she would have thought that was cute, well it was still cute she thought… she shouldn’t be thinking that. Not with him in her room, and so close to her.

She shook her head to try to clear most of those thoughts from her mind, “Look Phineas I told you the other day at the school…” he wasn’t looking at her, he was looking past her.

“What are you writing?” she turned her head, she had bumped her desk causing the computer to turn on, an open document up on the screen. Her personal writing that she did to vent her frustrations. Some might refer it as a diary, but this was so much more than that. She turned off the monitor, his attention now on her.

“Quit stalling Phineas,” she snapped, hitting her fists on the arms of her chair, why was he stalling. She was sure he knew what she was going to say, maybe that’s why. He might not be ready to give up on this crap…

“I’m not stalling, I’m trying to make conversation.” He snapped back. That shocked her a second. She stared at him, and in her mind she reassessed the Phineas that she knew. He never got short with her before… or anyone that she could remember. Not even the two boys Thaddeus and Thor, who she remembered to be pithy and rude. Isabella took a deep breath and counted to ten.

“I told you at the school Phineas, the Isabella you knew is gone. Gone.” He just stared at her as if he was looking for something, her heart fluttered a bit under his inspection. Then she muttered, “Stop it.” To herself

“I didn’t even say anything,” he said, and she shook her head. She hadn’t meant to say it aloud, she was trying to stop herself from acting foolish.

“I know, but look nothing can work between us alright? I told you, you’re too good for me, you need to go on with your life…” she said looking down at her feet as they moved back and forth waiting for his response.

“So you just want me to accept the fact that… you’re different,” she nodded, “Move on because I’m ‘better’ than you?” same response… Maybe he wasn’t as idiotic as she assumed, “and you want me to accept that I can’t be your friend either, and I should ‘move on’ with my life because you have?”

“I-I can’t be your friend Phineas… look around you at my room.” She waved her arms indicating everything around her. And waited for his response, when he said nothing she just sighed. “What missing Phineas? Pictures of friends, little gifts that would be displayed on shelves or something, little things… None of it’s here. I don’t do friends anymore… it doesn’t work out.”

He moved closer, way too close her body was warming up, her head was swimming. “You say you’ve moved on, what you just said proves you haven’t moved on Isabella. You’ve stopped and refuse to keep going.” He knelt next to her so he could look her in the eyes evenly. Why did he have to do that, he was way, way too close.

“Look… I have to go…” that was her usual go to response when she was in a awkward situation… who would have ever thought she’d have to use it in her own house. Obviously he was just as confused, as she was embarrassed, “I mean, you have to go…”

His hand grabbed hers and refused to let go. Her heart now threatened to beat right out of her chest. She loved the way he was looking at her. While she wasn’t used to people being around much, she was used to some kind of human contact when Gretchen had been around… she wasn’t going to be pulled in by this… Not again she refused.

“Isabella, please… I listened… I understand what you’re saying. But…” But? No way, no buts. She meant what she said, “Now I’m asking you to listen to me, hear me out. That’s fair right?”

Yes, it was fair. She didn’t want to be fair, she didn’t want him this close, and she sure as the sun doesn’t shine in hell want him touching her… but it seemed right now she didn’t have a choice beyond throwing him out. And she was saving that for if she didn’t like what he had to say. “Okay I’m listening, but it’s not going to change anything Phineas.”

“Isabella…” his hand felt so warm on hers. She pushed that thought out of her mind, she had to listen to what Phineas had to say, she had to at least give him that much… Wait… when did she have to give him anything? He didn’t give her anything but grief… “I’m sorry I never noticed how you felt… wait… I know you forgave me. I don’t care, I feel bad about it. I see what it did to you, and now that I know… now that I know… I want things to be different.”

She didn’t know what to say, how could she? This caught her completely off guard, seriously she assumed he was going to come up with some lame excuse for why he did it. She didn’t take into account that he held himself responsible for it. He took her hand in his, holding it, obviously waiting for a reply of some kind.

“Isabella, I want more…” he leaned closer, his lips brushed against hers… she didn’t know what to do… she couldn’t, couldn’t…

“No! Stop!” she sat up in bed, her arms went to shove something away. When her eyes opened, she was alone in her room, and it was dark… a dream just another stupid… twisted dream. They had came more and more since she hit her head, she didn’t think that hitting her head was the cause, it was Phineas that was the cause, but she couldn’t blame him it wasn’t like he was doing it on purpose. But she was still mad at him.

***

Isabella sat in the alcove looking out her window as she had for the last week, watching others go on with their lives. It was October now, and Halloween on its way. The hottest part the summer was winding down, and cooler air was replacing it. She had always liked that holiday, the one day of the year you can be anything you ever wanted to be. She and Gretchen had been planning their costumes, but now all that was gone. She had no one to do anything with, which is why she stayed in her room.

Oh she wanted her friend back, but she couldn’t force herself to trust her anymore. It was only a small, simple thing like a meeting with old friends, but still Isabella thought that she should have at least been told. These were the girls that had looked at them like they were freaks when they left. They didn’t care after she left, and didn’t seem to care when Gretchen followed suit not long after. Maybe Gretchen was foolish enough to accept just an apology, but she wasn’t that much of a fool. They think they can help me, idiots.

“Mija, I’m going to the store do you need anything?” Her mother called from the other side of the door. Isabella thought, though she couldn’t think of anything she might need.

“No, I don’t need anything,” Isabella replied, her voice sounded hoarse, she hadn’t spoken in a few days. That wasn’t uncommon for her even when she was hanging around Gretchen, most of their talks existed outside real life, and consisted mostly in texting, unless she was here or Isabella was at her house. She was alone. It didn’t really bother her that she was alone, some people didn’t like being alone. But during this time, she knew that she had a couple hours of just being the only one home. She could go down for a drink in her underwear if she wanted, she never did or wanted to, it was just the thought she could that was comforting.

She continued looking out the window, Phineas seemed to being doing better. Not that she cared one way or the other but he seemed to be doing more, her mother had said that he still decided to go back to regular school. She still saw him from time to time. Ferb of course had returned to the private school he started at, her mother said that he was a shoe in for aerospace, if she only knew what he could do… she would be so shocked.

Phineas was washing the car across the street, she would have once swooned over the boy doing such a thing. But now she just turned away from the window, and picked up a book. She tried to get interested in it, but failed. So she started picking up stuff in her room, wadded up paper that missed her trash can, put cloths in the hamper. Made her bed, all the while thinking of the boy across the street, the one she couldn’t have… wouldn’t allow herself to have. She didn’t even want him anymore, she told herself time and time again through out the weeks since his party. But still her mind wandered to times where she would stare at him, her heart would jump a little.

Tear streamed down her eyes now, without any warning. She was sick of her emotions running things. She wanted them to end. Not for the first time her mind wandered to suicide. At first it had only been something to think about, nothing she’d really do. But as time went on, and as she thought about it, it seemed to be more of an appealing thought. No more emotions, no more sadness, she wouldn’t have to worry about what anyone thought of her, yeah okay there were no happy thoughts either but it wasn’t like she had any. She said she didn’t care what anyone thought, but that wasn’t true, each time someone looked at her as if she was a freak, trash, garbage it hurt her, leaving yet another scar on a heart that didn’t seem like it could, or would ever heal. She had researched many ways to do this, all of them frightened her away from suicide except one. For her there was only one acceptable choice if she planned that route, overdose. It seemed the least painless, go to sleep and that was it… no fear, or pain, just forever sleep.

She had gathered some pills for this, she kept them in a small jewelry box she had been given. Funny how there was never any jewelry to go in it. Why did people give such impractical gifts, why give someone a box to hold crap you didn’t wear, people were idiots. Then again who was she to judge, she was a freak sitting alone in a room she had been closed off in for months, thinking about killing herself. But like other times, she put her hand over the pill box and muttered, ‘Not yet.’ Her main fear was that she would do it, and it’d take weeks for someone to notice she was gone. At first she thought no one would notice, but then figured after her body started stinking they’d notice… and well she didn’t want to be found rotting… just seemed disgusting.

With nothing else to do in her room, her schoolwork for the week completed, and it wasn’t even Tuesday yet. Her room clean, well clean enough for her. No one to talk to, and the fact that she had been in this room for so long she decided she was going to go and do something. Maybe go out to eat something, or sit in the park and watch different people be happy. Anything, she was starting to go stir crazy.

She changed into a black skirt, and matching shirt. She didn’t bother with makeup, who’d notice anyways right? She grabbed her phone, and made her way down stairs. More text messages, when she looked at her phone. I wish they’d just leave me alone, she thought. She stepped out, the last time she had been out it had been way to warm for her, now she wished she choose something different aside from the skirt, it wasn’t freezing, but the breeze was more than cooling under her skirt. She like being cool, but certain parts of her body liked to remain warm, and one of them right now was getting cool air blown around it.

“I haven’t seen you at school.” A voice called from the street, it was Phineas, she didn’t even need to look to know she’d know that voice anywhere.

“Yeah, I do it online.” She huffed, she had wanted to go in and change to keep her nether region warm, but now she was going to have to make a bee-line for wherever she decided she was going to go. “I have to go to the store.”

“Yeah me too, mind if I come along… as far as the store anyways.” He said looking over at her, his smile wavered more as she stared at him, but he didn’t back down.

“Suit yourself,” she grumbled and walked on, assuming he was following her. She didn’t bother to look back, and hoped no one assumed that she was with him by choice. It was silent for a while, so she figured maybe he got the hint she didn’t want him around and stayed behind.

“So, no makeup today?” nope didn’t catch the hint, or he completely ignored it. The first thought infuriated her, the second intrigued her.

“Why bother right?” she whispered, not sure if he heard her or not. Didn’t really matter.

“Well, I don’t know much about makeup,” he appeared next to her, he looked at her. Her cheeks turned red, why did he have to look at her. Was he stupid and not catching any hints? “But I think you look better without it.”

“Why do you have to say things like that, now?,” Two months, he’s had two months to get over all this, and he was still trying to make amends, she forgave him didn’t she? Then muttered, “and not before.”

“Cause its true. You do.” He moved in front of her stopping her in her path, she cocked her head to the side. What was his deal, I thought he had somewhere to be.

“What?” she snapped, as he stared at her, it was making her really uncomfortable to be stared at.

“Isabella, there’s no other words I can think of that can help fix what I did, or rather what I didn’t do. This is all I have left.” In a few heartbeats, she was in the position she had wanted to be in with him, his arms around her, his lips pressed against hers. It was so magical… or would have been if she expected it. She didn’t fight him, nor did she return the kiss. The thought hadn’t crossed her mind, no thought did. She was frozen there like a fool, then the kiss broke, and her mind seemed to take a moment, but it did restart.

“The hell is wrong with you Phineas!” she growled, and glared at him. He looked shocked, did he honestly think that what he was doing was… she didn’t even know. “I finally managed to get over you, I finally managed to move on. And you… you… have to come back and ruin everything I worked for. Open every box of emotions I locked away.” Tears streamed down her cheeks, everything she locked away flooded out with that kiss, she couldn’t stop it, and it was too late. The dreams that she had been having all flooded her mind, and it was too many emotions for her to handle, “I don’t want to do this anymore, Phineas… No matter what happens… just… I have to go.”

She started running back towards her house, she wasn’t aware of anything around her. Why did he have to do that, she could have held herself together if he didn’t kiss her. That one thing, something so small and simple blew up her defenses, and her control… well what control she had left.

She was back in her room, the door locked her jewelry box in her hand, ‘It’s time’ she said to herself. She never really planned on doing it. It was always there, a choice she could make. It was never about doing it, it was about having a choice, being able to do it if she wanted to. Now she had a choice, deal with everything that was unleashed or kill it all. She pulled out her phone, sent a single text. To someone that she needed to know it wouldn’t be his fault. She didn’t feel like she owed him anything, because in reality it was his fault, but even with so much confusion, she couldn’t be that spiteful.

She took the pills from her jewelry box and washed them down with a bottle of water. Her tasks done, she laid on her bed, if the internet was right it would take about 30-45 minutes for her to start getting sleepy, then after that she’d sleep, then maybe an hour after, maybe she would be gone. Everything around her seemed so surreal. It was like she was dreaming, but wasn’t. Her mind was numb and emotions shut off. She knew it couldn’t be from the pills yet. Maybe… her mind just couldn’t take it anymore and just shut them off, but now without those emotions banging around in her head… she started to realize what she had done… but now it had been long enough for her to start to get sleepy. She was going to die, and she was calm, scared as hell, but calm.

She heard banging on her door, heard yelling and screaming. She started having regrets now, she was scared now… but it was too late, she couldn’t force herself to get up she was so tired. Tears ran down her cheeks, she knew the voice that was yelling now, it was so sad. She shouldn’t have sent that text until right now, if she had thought about it a moment she would have waited… actually if she had of thought… she might have reconsidered.

“Isabella! Open the door, please!” it was Phineas, she knew he’d figure it out but her door was locked. It wasn’t a text for attention, she just didn’t want to go without saying something.

“Phineas…” her voice was so soft, she hardly heard it. She wished he could have… maybe she wouldn’t go without regrets… can’t have everything. “I lo …” Everything became dark as sleep drew closer her, she heard something break, she couldn’t open her eyes, they were too heavy.

“Izzy, wake up… Izzy… Isabella…” she heard him plead with her to get up, she was awake… for now but she couldn’t do much. Then he was talking to someone, her address, told the person she was breathing… she didn’t know how she knew… her mind… it was fading and nothing really made sense. “Isabella… please everything will be alright. Just… just hold on.”

She thought about those words, ‘everything will be alright. Just… just hold on.’ He was assuring her that things would be alright, did he think this happened by accident? That she tripped and fell, and the pills landed in her mouth? She did this… it was too late anyways. And what was she supposed to hold on for, for more miserable days and nights? More people looking down at her, because she decided she wasn’t going to just be another cog in what they called humanity? She wanted to think more, she did… but her mind darkened. This is it, she thought.

***

When her eyes opened, everything seemed bright and white… Heaven? People who committed suicide didn’t go to Heaven… and their stomachs didn’t hurt, and their mouth didn’t taste like chalky disgusting crap. Her sight was blurry, and nothing looked right… Maybe being dead wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, the bright light was hurting her head. Her hand moved up to cover her eyes, at least she still had hands… she had wondered before, what a soul would look like. Maybe I look like I did.

“You’re awake,” someone said, a familiar voice, she placed it right off the bat, but decided that couldn’t be right because he wasn’t here. Then figured it couldn’t be anyone else, unless the ‘creator’ had a really cruel sense of humor.

“What are you doing here?” she snapped, angry that even in death he was still able to bother her. Couldn’t she have a few moments of the peaceful quietness death was supposed to bring before he chimed in.

“What am I doing here? Well let’s see, I managed to get into your room, call 911 wait with you until they got there. Since I’m not family I couldn’t ride in the ambulance, so I got on my bike and pushed and pushed to get here, so you wouldn’t wake up alone and scared.” He said testily. That’s right he managed to get in and save her, and spoke with her. She should have never sent a text to him, even if it was to clear her own conscience. Then it dawned on her what his words meant.

“I’m alive?” she sobbed, this wasn’t fair. This wasn’t fair at all, she finally got up the courage to do it… well there wasn’t much courage, it was a spur of the moment thing, but she failed… like everything else.

“Well you wouldn’t be if I didn’t break in your door.” Phineas said, his anger seemed to have reached its end, putting his hand on hers, as tears went down her cheeks, “Your mom is on her way, I got ahold of her not long ago. Everything’s going to be alright.”

Idiot, he thought she was crying because she was scared that she wouldn’t live? She was crying because she had failed, nothing was going to change. Nothing at all, and even worse she wouldn’t get another chance again. After this her mother will be watching her closely, if they didn’t have her committed that is. And being committed would be… would be… who was she kidding? It would be just how I spend my days now. Locked away in a room, only difference she wouldn’t be able to just go out when she felt like it. “Leave me alone.”

“It’ll be alright,” Phineas’ soothing voice wrapped around her, some of the medication must have still been in her system because things were still blurry and she was dizzy. Her eyes closed, and she didn’t notice him leaving.

When her eyes opened again her mother had showed up, she expected to be yelled at, told she was stupid for trying to do what she did. Her mother just cried and held onto her, apologizing for not paying attention. Said she didn’t know what she would have done without her. When the nurse came in, talking about having Isabella committed for an evaluation… she’d never seen her mother act like that. Never heard her use those words. In the end, Isabella would return home. If it happened again, she would be committed.

She was getting dressed into her clothing that was brought for her, seems she became sick in the ambulance and were… un-wearable. She stood in her underwear when her old friends walked in, she cursed her mother in her mind before thinking her mother didn’t have a reason for stopping them, except that she could have been naked.

It was a swirl of words and people trying to hug her, she… as politely as she could she counted to ten, tried to grab onto some kind of control, she stood up straight, having found her composure, then lost the battle and growled. “Let me finish putting my clothes on. You guys are… are… I don’t even know what you are.”

“We just wanted to make sure you were alright, when Stacy’s mom texted Ginger that you were here. She’s a nurse here, you remember. Well…” Gretchen started, this was the first time Isabella had talked to, let alone seen Gretchen since the troop house. She hadn’t given up her dark clothing for her former bright ones. That was at least tolerable, she looked at Ginger, “she told the rest of us. What were you thinking, Izzy.”

“That I don’t want to be me anymore.” She sat in the chair that she had her foot on tying her shoes, she put her head in her hands, and felt the tears run down her face into her palms, she wasn’t sure what was wrong with her, these girls were the enemy, and now she was here bawling. All the fight had seemed to have been drained out of her… well most of it. “I don’t want to do it anymore. I think something is wrong with me.”

“Nothing is wrong with you,” Katie said moving next to Isabella, putting an arm around her. She was about to shrug it off when another arm laid on her other arm.

“That’s right,” that was Holly.

“You just let things get to you. You just let… yourself think that Phineas never noticed you because something was wrong with you.” Milly always the insightful one, “When you should have realized… he’s a boy and he was too occupied with making everyone’s summers the best ever, including yours.”

“You’re still our friend, Isabella. Even if you pretend we aren’t.” Addison’s voice came from near here somewhere.

“We don’t want to lose you Isabella,” Ginger said, when Isabella looked up they were all around her. She was reminded of days long ago, when she would be down and they picked her up. Somewhere along the way she slipped and fell and was too stubborn to let anyone help her up, or maybe she just fell to deep for them to reach her. “I mean you haven’t been around, and when you changed…”

“We were a little afraid of your new attitude,” Katie continued, “That we just… I don’t know. We didn’t think you wanted us around. But even so there was always a chance you’d come back…”

“But not if you died, we’d lose you forever.” Gretchen finished, these girls loved her. No matter how much grief she threw at them. No matter how mean she was, they had missed picking her up once, they wouldn’t this time. She realized no matter what she was stuck with them… but she hoped on her own terms. She kinda liked the solitude of her life, maybe she could tolerate breaks to be with people now and again.

“Fine,” she wiped her eyes, but put her head back in her hands as her body shook more, now she was sobbing. One problem was fixed, but the other problem… the main problem. How was she supposed to fix that? Phineas had kissed her, and she couldn’t handle it. She wasn’t sure if she even wanted him anymore, or if she was just tired of being alone.

“But… Izzy…” Gretchen started, and waited until she looked up at her, “Phineas is pretty angry, I think you really scared him Izzy.”

“He’s an idiot,” Isabella muttered, to which most of the girls giggled thinking it was funny, thought Gretchen didn’t.

“I’d have agreed with you, once. But now… I mean I’m kinda angry too.” Gretchen’s eyes watered, as she continued. “You tried to leave us all, without a goodbye. I mean I think I know why you did it… and you didn’t think about what would happen if you succeeded. But we would have all been crushed.”

“I…” was she really going to tell them that she told Phineas goodbye? She had too, maybe they’d be mad and leave her. But she felt like she had to tell the truth. “I told Phineas goodbye, and that it wasn’t his fault.”

“Why did you tell him?” Gretchen asked, and Isabella took a shuttering breath and explained all the events that happened up to when she took the pills.

She started when she first was told she had to attend his party. Explained her feelings of rejection, and anger, and then explained about the something that built inside her, until she burst in the yard. The hospital, and how she had given Phineas the wrong box by mistake. And then the night Phineas was missing how she felt and how she forgave him, but still had to try to make it up to her. Went into detail of the night she feel asleep on the couch in the Troop House.

It got harder and harder as she got closer to what really triggered her. The kiss, from Phineas. She couldn’t explain it, one minute she was happy, then sad, then angry and all the while confused. Happy because she had always wanted it, sad because of what she had been missing out on, and angry because he never paid her any attention until now… until she didn’t want it anymore, and confused because at the same time she didn’t want it, something inside screamed that she had to have it. Which… she didn’t even remember much before taking the pills. She explained why she had them that they were only there for peace of mind. Just to show she had the control and could whenever she wanted to. Then she stopped, they had come full circle and was at the beginning again.

“Wow… that’s a lot to take in.” Gretchen said, and the others agreed. Isabella just nodded, maybe they did understand.

“And to deal with,” Holly said, and the other girls nodded in unison… it was always creepy when they did that, even when she was in the group with them.

Even if only in theory, they understood at some point, and that was a start right? They helped her up, even though she didn’t need it. She allowed herself to be guided out of the room, and down and into her mother’s van, where they all followed her. With a weight in her stomach, she also noticed… Phineas was no longer there, no longer waiting.

You wanted him to leave you alone… you got what you wanted, she told herself sitting in her little alcove looking out at Phineas’ house. It was November now, and Ferb had returned from his school to celebrate the upcoming holidays. She had seen him return, but it was her mother that told her he was coming. Her mother had just started trusting her to be on her own for longer than a few minutes, unless her friends were over. Because she had told her that Ferb was returning, she waited for Phineas to come out, maybe to greet his brother, or go with his parents to pick him up. He never came out, she hadn’t seen him in weeks… She spent most of her time here in this alcove, doing her school work in the alcove… And slept here most of the time as well, she only ever left to eat, when she didn’t eat up here that is, and the bathroom and bathing. Her life for the past few weeks was there.

***

She wasn’t feeling happy, and she didn’t want to live anymore, but she didn’t want to try suicide again… her stomach had hurt for a week after leaving the hospital, and most of what she ate at first wouldn’t stay down, all in all it was a horrible experience. Not as bad as dying though, she told herself.

Her friends would show up from time to time though out these past weeks, at first she thought only Gretchen would show up, that the others only agreed to it because it was the ‘right’ thing to do. But the first time Milly showed up with Katie, and without Gretchen, she thought she might be wrong. The girls had started helping her to open her heart again, and start to see and understand what she really wanted, but the boy across the street didn’t seem to care anymore. She had truly messed things up for herself, it seemed an endless cycle. She wanted him, he ignored her. She ignored him, he wanted her… she wanted him again, and he’s no where to be found. Life is cruel, she thought.

“Hey Phineas, want to come over?” she heard a voice from outside, she crawled into the alcove, and looked out the window. It was someone she didn’t recognize but Phineas waved them off. She hadn’t even seen him out of the house in two weeks, she thought about what her friends told her about… opening up more. She had made some progress. With each time they came over and talked with her, the more she felt… human again. Familiar feelings had started returning to her about the boy across the street, and it didn’t always make her mad or frustrated, she hadn’t begun to swoon over him again, but there was definitely something.

She put on her boots, and darted down the stairs… maybe she’d just go over and try to talk with him, she hadn’t seen him since the hospital… well physically seen him the dreams she had still plagued her, and some of them… she blushed at the thought. No, just talking with him… those were dreams, she said to herself. She closed the door behind her, maybe a little harder than she intended and semi jogging to the road. Phineas noticed her, and started to go back inside.

“Wait,” she called, he hesitantly looked back to make sure she was talking to him, when she started towards him again, he stopped walking and stood there waiting for her.

“Hey, Isabella.” He said rubbing the back of his neck, what was wrong with him. You told him to leave you alone, she told herself.

“Uh yeah hey… Look I wanted…” she wasn’t sure what she should say, she never had to explain this crap before. “I just wanted to… I don’t know… talk or something.”

“You want to talk? With me?” he just looked at her, he didn’t seem excited more weary, “What did I do this time?”

“No… no, you didn’t do anything, I just… I’ve been talking with the girls… and I… well I was wrong for a lot of reasons. And I wanted to just…” she threw her hands up and sighed, “I don’t know! I just want to feel normal again.”

He said alright, and they both went behind the house, it looked more normal now without all the party stuff. They sat under the tree, both trying very hard to keep the small talk going. Isabella talked about the online school work… about some of the things her and her friends had been working with, about some of their talks. Phineas, talked about school, and how Ferb was.

“Oh and Jeremy proposed to Candace.” Phineas said, obviously he’d just remembered. At one point she would have been there when the news was given, so it was easy to forget she didn’t know.

“Aren’t they a little young for that?” Isabella asked, then again she was eleven when she first started fantasizing about marrying Phineas… Who is she to say they are too young.

“Well Candace is nineteen now, and Jeremy is twenty and the date isn’t set for another year or two.” Phineas said, then looked over at Isabella. “I was wondering, Candace said that she had been planning her own wedding for years… I found it kinda strange, and she said all girls did. Do you have a plan for a wedding.”

Of course she did… once. Now she didn’t think that anyone would marry her. Most people still saw her as a freak, and the only guys interested in her wouldn’t be interested in marriage. Only one thing would attract guys to her. Enough of that… your supposed to be over that and trying to be happy now, she told herself. “I did, once… that plan won’t be used… But I did have a plan.”

“Oh… maybe Candace isn’t weird if you had a plan for it.” He said looking up at the sky, she wondered what he was thinking, though she didn’t have to wonder very long, “In your plan… well I read that book… a lot and I was wondering, was I part of your plan?”

She didn’t want to answer, when she convinced herself to come over here this wasn’t part of the deal… Just answer him, her mind snapped. “Uh, well… you read the book, you should know.” When he just stared at her, obviously he didn’t want the book to tell him, he wanted her to say it. “Yeah, you were in that plan… but like I said that plan is gone.”

“Why? What if that’s what I want now Isabella?” she looked at him as if he sprouted a second head.

“Because… well… because.” She should have been happy, he just not so plainly said he wanted to marry her… didn’t he? Sadly her mind wasn’t ready for all that, “Because I told you, it wouldn’t work. We are too different, and you deserve better than me.”

“Who are you to decide what's good for me Isabella?” he yelled, he stood up and was pacing in front of her.
“Maybe I see the flaws you have, and don’t care… I mean even back then I had a lot of flaws obviously, and you didn’t care…”

“But Phineas…”

“No Isabella. You wanted me, I’m here. I want to be with you…” he said he was still pacing, her heart was racing tears running down her cheeks, blurring her vision. She wanted this so bad, why couldn’t she let herself have it? Was she really that much of a masochist, that she’d rather be in pain? It had been a while and she hadn’t said anything, she couldn’t think of anything to say. “Fine Isabella, just go home… I know that’s going to be what you said next anyways.”

“Phineas…” she looked at him, she loved him, she wanted to tell him run to him… cling to him and beg him to forgive her… but that’s not what came out of her mouth, she glared at him, “Fine, just leave me alone then.”

***

She went down for Thanksgiving Dinner with her family, stayed only for the first part. Her family didn’t understand her, and of course they all knew about what they started referring to as, ‘The Incident’. How could they understand what she was going through? They all seemed perfectly happy, and with people that cared about the. Yes her family cared, but that was different than what she wanted, what her heart wanted. She sat at the table with most of her family, they were all saying what they were thankful for, when it got to her she didn’t look up.

“Come on Mija,” her mother said encouragingly, her mother had tried to be sympathetic with her. She never pushed her to do anything she didn’t want to anymore… even now her mother wasn’t pushing her, she was just asking that she share. But after the last argument with Phineas she didn’t feel like sharing. However all the eyes looking at her… what choice did she have?

“Thankful? What am I thankful for?” the tone that came out of her mouth was almost pure venom, as she glanced back into each pair of eyes that looked at her. “I’m thankful, for the fact that maybe Phineas has realized how screwed up I am, and will finally leave me alone. I’m thankful that I continue to keep living despite my pain. And I’m thankful that none of you care enough about what’s going through my mind. Or why the ‘incident’ happened to even ask why I did it. And most of all, I’m thankful I’m going to my room now so I don’t have to be apart of this anymore.”

Soon she found herself back in her room sitting in the alcove watching Phineas’ house, for the boy that she missed, and was mad at her. She put her knees against he forehead and cried softly. Several family members came to her door throughout the day, knocking. They apologized through the door for judging her, told her they really did want to know what was bothering her… and a few of them just apologized again, maybe that’s all the cared enough to say.

Since some of the family had come from far away to visit this Thanksgiving s few of them would be staying here for another day or two… her stomach growled and she wished she had eaten something, it would be a long long day or two in her room if she was hungry. She walked out her room, she didn’t bother sneaking, they would still be in the kitchen anyways cleaning things up and putting things away.

“Mija…” her mother started, obviously she had a lot of things to ask, but Isabella knew that she would push the issue, one of the things that made her feel better. She could have her boundaries. “…Are you hungry?”

“Yeah… mom I’m sorry about what I said…” she looked down to the floor, the only other person in the room was Sandy, her cousin that she hadn’t seen in years, not since before she moved here. Sandy was a couple years older than Isabella, and at one point Isabella used to want to be like her older cousin. Obviously, looking at the preppy older version of what she would have been like disgusted her now. “Just… I fought with Phineas again the other day… I tried to just talk to him. It was going alright, then… he started talking about stuff, that… I don’t know, I wanted to hear him say it, I was happy… but I just blew up.”

“Oh Mija,” her mother embraced her, one of the few times her mother had even touched her since the hospital, it was like she was afraid Isabella would break, maybe she would.

“So Phineas is that boy that…” Sandy started, and her mother interrupted, finishing Sandy’s sentence.

“That Isabella used to have a crush on, you remember I told you about it couple years ago.” Her mother finished.

“Oh… yeah okay. I remember now, so he’s the boy you used to like right?” Sandy asked.

“Yeah,” Isabella felt awkward telling this to someone she hadn’t talked to in years, but she shrugged who would Sandy tell? “I… well I like him again, or at least I think I do.”

“Well, isn’t that good?” Sandy asked, as her mother hugged her tighter.

“You’d think so, but every time he says something… kind it’s like a switch gets flipped inside and I get angry, and sad.” Isabella just sighed.

***

Christmas was fast approaching, she went around with her mother to do shopping for this and that. She buys presents for her friends, and Candace for trying to be helpful, and Ferb because he’s Ferb, and even though they haven’t spoken in years, not that Ferb did a lot of the speaking even then… but he always bought her something each year, it always said from him and Phineas, but she knew it was souly Ferb's doing. She was stumped about Phineas, if she should get him something or not, she doubted he wanted anything from her to begin with. But maybe he did, maybe if she found the right… something he’ll notice her, when she wants him finally she stops in the middle of the mall, tears tickle down her cheek. For someone that’s supposed to be tough, I sure cry a lot lately, she thought.

“What's the matter Mija?” her mother noticed she had stopped and led her to a bench, waiting patiently for her to say something. She had been bottling this up for a while, even with the girls. But she didn’t know what she should do, so she turned to the one person who, besides Phineas, always had an answer for her.

“I… don’t know what to do… Mom. Phineas… I don’t know what to get him.” Tears streamed down her face, what a sight she was, only a few days before Christmas, a time when she should be happy for all she had. She sat saddened by the one thing she only recently realized she still wanted. “I don’t even know if he wants anything from me.”

“I’m sure that’s not true, Mija.” Putting her hand on Isabella's, then patting it softly. “Friends fight sometimes Mija. Family’s have fights, husbands and wives fight… And even two people that care about each other fight. It’s always going to happen Mija…”

“But I don’t know what to do Mom. Everything is all… I don’t know… it’s all messed up.” Isabella felt more tears run down her face, and she again was slightly happy she had given up using make up.

“That’s the hardest, and easiest part Mija,” her mom smiled softly and kissed for forehead, “You have to know when to apologize, that’s the only way a fight will end.”

“How am I supposed to apologize? I hardly see him, I haven’t even spoken to him in weeks… he’s never outside anymore” Isabella hiccupped, and glared at people that was staring at her.

“Didn’t you tell him to leave you alone Mija?” she asked, she had. Who would have thought he’d listen that time. Isabella only nodded, and put her face in her hands and cried.

“Yes, I did.” She put her head in her hands and wept some more. She hated crying, she hadn’t cried since before that party in a long time. But it made her feel better after she cried, well as better as you can feel when you don’t have what you heart is begging for.

“I can tell you, that he did leave you alone, like you asked.” Why was her mother rubbing it in? Didn’t she know how bad she felt for telling him that, and him listening to it, after he had ignored it so many times before? “But he has come over to the house, Mija. Almost every day he comes over and asks about you.”

He comes over and asks about her? When? She never saw him… unless it was when she was doing her school work. Or reading, or possibly been while she was sleeping, she had been doing a lot of that to pass time. “He really comes over?”

Her mother nodded, it made he feel worse, for some reason. She had thought… been thinking that he was too angry to bother with her. She didn’t even think he had listened to what she told him to do. She had been so upset because he was again ignoring her now that she was coming back to life, that she didn’t even realize that there might have been a reason. A reason that he hadn’t come over… well come over and her know about it.

They wondered around the mall a little more before Isabella found something she could get for him… She wasn’t sure what he’d think about it but she went into the store. When she came out, she had what she bought already wrapped with his name on a label. It didn’t look like much, and it wasn’t very big. But she hoped he liked it all the same.

As the day arrived, she put on her clothes and her boots, and marched through the snow from her house to Phineas’, carrying the presents she had picked out, and the ones her mother had sent over. It reminded her of a Christmas vacation that was long ago where they all played outside watching the parents exchange gifts for the kids, and she smiled, the first real smile in a long time, making her way to the front door of Phineas’ house. She knocked on the door and waited, each moment making her more and more anxious and worried about what awaited her on the other side.

“Isabella!” Candace smiled opening the door, Candace helped by taking some of the packages and lead her into the living room. Mr. and Mrs. Fletcher both smiled, and waved. Ferb sat in the corner and nodded he smiled too.

“It’s good to see you again Isabella, how are you feeling?” Mrs. Fletcher asked, she expected to be asked about the hospital, but was relieved when she wasn’t. That’s what she had liked about Phineas’ family they never judged anyone.

“Hello Isabella!” Mr. Fletcher smiled, he didn’t talk much, unless you got him started on antiques, which she wasn’t going to do unless she was really curious… and had a few hours to kill.

Candace really matured over the years, and had at least mellowed. She handed out the gifts until only one remained in her hand, and she clutched it to her chest as if she was afraid it might take off. Phineas hadn’t said anything the entire time she was there… she debated on if she should give it to him, or just run out the door.

“Who’s that one for?” Candace knew, she was many things, but stupid wasn’t one of them. Candace looked over to Phineas. “Hey Phineas can you grab me a soda while I talk with Isabella?”

“Sure,” and in a flash he was gone, no doubt he’d stay in there as long as he could. Trying desperately she assumed to listen to her command to leave her alone.

She stood there until she felt a hand on her bottom pushing her towards the kitchen, “Go on. It’ll be less embarrassing in there.” Candace said, and then Isabella looked around the room, at all the faces staring at her, all of them smiling. Her face on the other hand turned red, and she wasn’t smiling, she felt like she was going to be sick.

“I don’t know if… I think I’ll come back…” then she was shoved into the kitchen. She turned to leave when the door shut in her face… Damn Candace.

“Isabella?” Phineas’ voice came from behind her, she turned and looked at him. He looked worried, and took a few steps back. “Sorry, I’ll go in the…”

“No wait…” why was this so hard? Just tell him you were wrong! Tell him you want to… what? Then her mother’s voice drifted in her mind, ‘You have to know when to apologize, that’s the only way a fight will end.’ The tears started again, this wasn’t going to be pretty. “Phineas I was… wrong. I should have… Here.” She thrust the gift into his hand and pushed the door behind her with her back… it didn’t open oh it tried, meaning someone… she assumed Candace was holding it closed.

“Are you sure this one is really for me?” she looked up at him, a slight smile on his face. He was making fun of her… she just nodded.

She watched him open a gift, this time it was meant for him to have. Waiting and wondering what would happen. He stared at it… she looked at the gift, it was a picture frame, with a picture of her in it. She had sat there in that photo store to have it done. She didn’t think about not having on makeup, or wearing anything nice. It was just her. “I’m sorry, I… didn’t dress up. It was… I know I’m not pretty in it or anything.”

“No… you’re right. You’re not pretty in this picture.” The tears started again, she even heard a gasp from behind the door, which moved a bit now. Meaning Candace had moved… obviously she was as shocked as Isabella was. The exit was free, but her legs wouldn’t move. She felt all the work she had done, all the progress she had made with her friends crumble.

“Oh… oh okay, I-I’m sorry.” Her legs felt funny, she went to step back her legs gave out from under her, and she hit her back against the door, and her bottom hit the tile floor. For a moment she could see all the faces in the other room, Candace’s hand over her mouth, eyes wide and apologetic, as tears ran down Isabella’s face, and the door closed behind her bumping her back softly, taking all the shocked people out of her view.

“I’ve never thought you were pretty…” He was kneeling next to her now. Okay this was going to hurt, but she guessed he deserved to say something, she had degraded him, and berated him. “Even back then, I always thought you were well… you’re beautiful Isabella.”

What did he say? She was beautiful? No she had to have heard him wrong, or this was some kind of messed up joke. She hit her head on the door, and was delusional. “Wh… What did you say?”

“You’re beautiful, in the picture, and even more so in person…” his hand came up and wiped a few tears from her cheeks, and helped her up. “Even now, you’re beautiful, wet… but beautiful.”

He was really close to her, her heart was beating faster, she heard a knock at the front door. She heard voices, saying something then several people shushing them. She was close enough she could smell the shampoo he used, which only made her face heat up. “I…I…” she started crying again, she didn’t know what she was supposed to say, and now she looked like a complete fool who couldn’t even string a couple words together.

His arms wrapped around her and she didn’t fight it, didn’t even want to, instead she clung to him as the river of emotions tried to pull her under and he was all that kept her above. She buried her face in his neck, this was what she had been craving, this is what was missing… she always knew it was… she just didn’t know it would feel like this. She had almost forgotten what it was like when she loved him… her memories only showed a pale reflection.

“I’m sorry Phineas, I’m so so sorry, I didn’t mean what I said that night. I was just…” her voice muffled with her face buried in her neck, she knew that his neck and shirt would be wet now… she’d apologize later.

“I know, I know, I’m sorry too Izzy, I was so frustrated that I wasn’t able to...” he cut himself off, maybe he wasn’t sure what to say, she pulled her head back to stare at him, to look into his eyes. His lips pressed against hers, this time she wasn’t angry, or confused, or even sad. This time she wanted this, craved it. She kissed him back passionately.

The door behind them opened, neither of them so much as moved as whoever it was came in to see why it was so quiet. The door closed seconds after, Isabella if she had been able to think at all, would have assumed they didn’t quite expect what they found, and fled. She didn’t hear the cheering outside the door, she didn’t hear what everyone had to say about what was happening in the kitchen…

When the kiss finally ended, after what felt to Isabella like a very happy lifetime, they looked at each other. Neither of them would be the same after that kiss, Isabella would never feel the same as she had before, it wasn’t like any of the others, she was able to emotionally appreciate it without freaking out, she was, to say the least happy. They indulged themselves with a few smaller kisses, obviously not sure what to say at the moment, until someone on the other side of the door cleared their throat.

Isabella turned her head, his arms refusing to let go of Phineas now that she had him. Candace stood there, a big grin on her face and in a sing-song voice said, “Buusssted!” Isabella and Phineas couldn’t help but laugh, which was joined by others outside the kitchen, “Now since you did the whole kiss and make up thing… literally… Others have shown up, come on out there are still gifts to open.”

Isabella hadn’t thought about gifts this year, and right now she had what she wanted and was sure nothing in some brightly colored paper wrapped box could compete. But her and Phineas went out into the other room, where not only sat Phineas’ Family, but her Fireside Girl Friends, and her mother. She wondered if this all had been planned before she arrived, or if it just happened. Or Candace could have called them over after she found them kissing, she wasn’t sure how long they had been in the kitchen indulging themselves in kisses Sure felt like a long time.

Isabella looked over to Candace, and gave her congratulations about the news she had heard since it was the first time she talked to Candace and remembered the engagement.

“Thanks Izzy, I was thinking… maybe you could be a bride’s maid.” Isabella nodded, and obviously she had forgotten about Phineas being so close… it felt too normal to have him so close even though it wasn’t.

“Speaking of plans and weddings…” Phineas’ voice came from beside her. She looked over at him, Candace did too, since they were the only ones paying attention to Phineas at the moment. “You think you might revive your plan for me and you Isabella?”

“What? We are way too young to be getting married,” she said in a high whisper that no one heard but Phineas… and well Candace.

“Who said anything about getting married now? I just said we could plan it… doesn’t have to be soon. The longer we plan something, the better it’ll be right?” He smiled and took Isabella’s hand again.

“Alright, since you asked, I’ll tell you. I’m planning on working on that plan again… but you can’t back out,” she looked over at Candace, “Candace just witnessed you asking me to marry you… not in so many words but yeah.”

“I know what I just asked… I might be young still… but I don’t think how I feel about you will ever change.” He kissed her hand, “Look what we already went through… anything else will be easy.”

“So,” Candace smiled, leave it to her to be the one to ask this question, she expected it from Phineas, but well she had an answer for it and was ready, “Do you still think Phineas is an Idiot?”

Isabella smiled back and shrugged, “Yeah… he’s still an idiot…” most of the people gasped, and Phineas just looked at her slightly shocked. But the next words made them all smile, laugh, and again cheer. “But, he’s my idiot… and I love him.”